This week in my life....

This week has been a really tough one on me, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes when I have trials I question why they happen to me, or why I seem to feel so alone when they do. Then Brother Young said something in seminary (yeah, I know, good little church girl here) that really hit me. He said that sometimes when we go through rough times we expect the Lord to show his love for us in a certain way, and then when he does help and comfort us, we don't realize it because we're expecting this totally different thing to happen. I know that I don't expect to receive a vision or anything telling me it'll be ok, but sometimes I just get it into my mind that the Lord will answer my plea in a certain way, and then I feel even worse when it doesn't happen that way. Sometimes I even feel like giving up. This week was kind of like that. My diabetes freaked out on me during school, and I felt so sad because I didn't want to have everyone freaking out over me. I don't want to be the person that everyone worries about all the time, I'm more of the person who is more likely to be concerned for others. But thinking back over that day, I realize that what happened could've happened for multiple reasons. Maybe someone else had to learn something from that experience, but more likely I needed to. I got caught up in my own little world and failed to realize how wonderful my friends really are. Each of them (you!) are like gods already, you're always there for anyone who needs help or even just a shoulder to cry on. You guys are amazing! I'm so blessed to be here and to know all of you wonderful people. I don't even know if any of you will read this, but I just want you guys to know how much I love and appreciate you all. I know that how you helped me this past week, and how you always help me when things are tough, are part of the way that God shows he cares for me. Thank you for caring for me, and I hope I can be even half as good of a friend to you as you always are to me.

Pen on paper,

The words spill out on the page,

I'm helpless-

Helpless to stop them,

They scream the truth.

Pen on paper,

My thoughts wrestling in my mind,

Each needing to be the one written down,

Although almost all would hurt me,

Or hurt someone else.

Pen on paper,

My life is written out

In three simple words,

Spoken, or unspoken,

I know they're true.

Pen on paper,

I close my fist,

Sweep the pages to the side,

I tell myself that what I've written isn't right,

Maybe it was at one time,

But not anymore.

Things have changed.

But have they really?

Pen on paper,

I must find myself again,

Cling to the thoughts,

Those thoughts which kept me going for so long,

I can't think,

I must write.

Pen on paper,

Scratching across the surface,

Messily running through the lines,

My hand flying across the page

As I write this letter,

This truth I cannot deny,

Written by

Pen on paper.

I Swear I'm Perfectly Normal...

This semester I'm taking creative writing, and right now we're in our poetry unit. This was the last poem I wrote-- Tell me what you think about it! :)

Waves envelop me

As I wade into the water.

Colors, more than one would imagine

Swirl around me as I sink slowly.

Memories flash through my mind,

My first kiss,

My last argument,

Holding my baby sister in my arms.

I feel nothing anymore,

No pain, no joy,

Only emptiness,

As slowly, my world fades to black.

The rain is falling,

Pitter, patter, on the ground.

Dark clouds loom overhead,

The sound of thunder pounds in the distance.

And where am I?

I'm not hiding from this wet monster,

Nor watching it safely from the comfort of my house,

I'm not walking down the street guarded by a black umbrella,

No, I'm outside, barefoot and free,

Twirling around, my face turned towards heaven,

The music of this storm plays on in my head,

As I direct the orchestra of clouds with my hands.

"Are you crazy?!" some might say, as they pass me on the street,

"Perhaps," is my sly reply.

As the drops of water coat my skin,

And the danger of lightning is imminent,

I ponder their words.

Were they right? I don't know,

but I don't care what they think,

They may laugh, they may scorn,

But I am strong, I can make it through,

Because....

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain."

Who Am I?

This past year I've had some struggles with knowing who I am.

I never thought I'd have that kind of problem, yet I did.

I tried to be who YOU wanted me to be, someone who YOU would like.

It doesn't work that way.

I lost myself this year.

I justified what I was doing because of the popularity I was gaining.

People actually noticed my existence! And not just because they needed help on homework.

I finally felt like my opinion mattered to someone-that I mattered to someone.

And I thought you had the same feelings I did, the same beliefs on life.

Then when I found out, I acted like nothing was different-like it didn't bother me that you had changed.

I was changing too, I reasoned.

You either sink or swim in this world, sink or swim.

What I didn't know was that I was sinking.

I don't blame you for dragging me down, you didn't.

It was my pride that did it-my need for social acceptance.

You are who you are, and I know that I can't change that fact.

But then, I said something that shocked me.

Had I really changed that much, that I would agree to something like that?

Who was this person saying these words?!

Where had I gone?

For the next few weeks I hid in the dark corners of my mind.

What had I done?

The guilt was eating me.

I felt so wrong, so empty, so lost.

I don't really think that. That wasn't me.

If that wasn't me, then who am I?

It finally came to me. I am:

Marissa Farmer

Member of the

Church of Jesus

Christ of Latter-

Day Saints.

And I'm proud of it.

p.s. the title of this post makes me think of one of the greatest musicals of all time- Les Miserables, and this song. If you haven't heard the music from this musical, I strongly recommend it! It's a beautiful, powerful story.

Sometimes, when life's a little crazy, all you need is just to sit with your brother in a car at 9:30 at night, playing air guitar (and drums) to Hoobastank.

p.s. to anyone who actually READS my blog, sorry. As I said above, life's been kinda crazy for me. I'll try to make time to blog soon!

Smile...

And see what happens!