It's BaAAAcccKKKKkkkkk....

(My apologies for the tacky shot of me in the background)

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest

My siblings. I love them! I've known them all my life, and they are my favorite people in the whole world. I miss them when they're not around, and I'm the happiest when they are. I wouldn't change them for the world!

Day 1: A picture of yourself with 15 facts

• As of today, there are exactly 126 days until my birthday.
• I hate running, but I loved cross country and I miss it a lot.
• (see above picture) when I was younger, people used to call me Shirley Temple :)
• I like to read. A lot.
• Studying people is fascinating to me. How they interact, how their minds work.... the whole deal.
• I have never broken a bone.
• I almost had to have heart surgery when I was a baby.
• I've only been hospitalized once, and that was when I was diagnosed with diabetes.
• Although I've only been hospitalized once, I have over four doctors/medical professionals that I see quite often.
• Hearing about broken bones and all that stuff grosses me out, so I could never be a doctor.
• I think being a doctor would be amazing though :)
• I should be doing my homework now.
• learning about serial killers and the holocaust are both very fascinating to me.
• If you call me blonde, I will shoot you. (not really, but still)
• I have an irrational fear of touching creepy pictures of animals on the pages of books.

30 Days of Pictures

So...... someone I was at EFY with had this on her Facebook. 30 days of photos; fun beans, huh? Starting today I will (try to) post a picture every day and see how things go. I figure that I don't use my blog for much else, so why not?

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your day.
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

I sing in the shower like nobody's business.

I often stay up late watching chick flicks because I don't want anyone to see me cry at the sappy parts.

I have a random love for nuts. Last year I was addicted to peanuts, and now I am addicted to almonds--not the roasted, sugary carnival kinds--straight almonds.

I sometimes fantasize that I am a famous dancer, which could never be possible because:

a) I took dance for two years when I was REALLY little

b) I am not flexible

c) I have absolutely NO rhythm whatsoever

and,

d) I am a member of the Farmer family

I also fantasize about being Harry Potter and/or being at Hogwarts. Although, if I was at Hogwarts I would be a Ravenclaw, not a Gryffindor.

I have an insane fear of heights and I hate it. I've always wanted to have a tree house (much less climb up into one), but every time I start climbing the ladder to one, I start to shake so violently it's almost as if I'm having a seizure.

I am O.C.D. about grades. I don't just want to get good grades; it's as if I have to. This may make me sound all stuck up and goody-goody, but I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't good at school. I've always been the nerdy one!

I've got my life planned out for me: I'm going to marry an insanely rich guy and go travel the world/live in England. Although, if I did live in England, I wouldn't want to live in a mansion even if my husband was rich. I would live in one of those quaint English cottages.

I love to volunteer. My favorite thing about having diabetes is that there seems to be more opportunities for me to volunteer at diabetes-related activities and such. The sad thing is, I've had conflicts the past year or so and haven't been able to do it.

I love classical music. I would never ever listen to it on my iPod, but I absolutely go giddy if it is played on the piano. It's so beautiful.

I also love rap, but mostly just Eminem.

On this little music kick, I like almost every kind of musical genre, except opera. Give me some country: love it. Rap: sweet. Pop: Pretty good (now, if you were to make me listen to JB or Smiley Miley Cyrus, that's a whole different story). Indie: awesome! Rock: pretty cool. Just no opera, thank you very much.

My favorite SNL actor is Kristen Wiig, and if you haven't seen any of her videos, go here and watch some of her videos.These aren't all of the skits she's been in, so if you like her, go searching for more!

Oh, speaking of great videos, if you haven't seen this music video, please do. I think it's hilarious, but maybe that's just me.

That's a little bit about me. Marissa Ann Farmer. Take it or leave it, it's what makes me me, what makes me happy, and I don't change for nobody.

Branded

I float through a sea of nameless faces,

People I should know but don’t.

They appraise me with their all-knowing gaze,

Deciding my social status with a single glance,

Am I a nerd?

A band geek?

A nobody?

A freak?

Where I live, these labels are determined for you,

Not based on who you are,

But based on how you dress,

Your body type,

And what you look like.

This is why I shuffle along, day after day,

And wonder,

What name is branded onto my forehead?

This week in my life....

This week has been a really tough one on me, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes when I have trials I question why they happen to me, or why I seem to feel so alone when they do. Then Brother Young said something in seminary (yeah, I know, good little church girl here) that really hit me. He said that sometimes when we go through rough times we expect the Lord to show his love for us in a certain way, and then when he does help and comfort us, we don't realize it because we're expecting this totally different thing to happen. I know that I don't expect to receive a vision or anything telling me it'll be ok, but sometimes I just get it into my mind that the Lord will answer my plea in a certain way, and then I feel even worse when it doesn't happen that way. Sometimes I even feel like giving up. This week was kind of like that. My diabetes freaked out on me during school, and I felt so sad because I didn't want to have everyone freaking out over me. I don't want to be the person that everyone worries about all the time, I'm more of the person who is more likely to be concerned for others. But thinking back over that day, I realize that what happened could've happened for multiple reasons. Maybe someone else had to learn something from that experience, but more likely I needed to. I got caught up in my own little world and failed to realize how wonderful my friends really are. Each of them (you!) are like gods already, you're always there for anyone who needs help or even just a shoulder to cry on. You guys are amazing! I'm so blessed to be here and to know all of you wonderful people. I don't even know if any of you will read this, but I just want you guys to know how much I love and appreciate you all. I know that how you helped me this past week, and how you always help me when things are tough, are part of the way that God shows he cares for me. Thank you for caring for me, and I hope I can be even half as good of a friend to you as you always are to me.

Pen on paper,

The words spill out on the page,

I'm helpless-

Helpless to stop them,

They scream the truth.

Pen on paper,

My thoughts wrestling in my mind,

Each needing to be the one written down,

Although almost all would hurt me,

Or hurt someone else.

Pen on paper,

My life is written out

In three simple words,

Spoken, or unspoken,

I know they're true.

Pen on paper,

I close my fist,

Sweep the pages to the side,

I tell myself that what I've written isn't right,

Maybe it was at one time,

But not anymore.

Things have changed.

But have they really?

Pen on paper,

I must find myself again,

Cling to the thoughts,

Those thoughts which kept me going for so long,

I can't think,

I must write.

Pen on paper,

Scratching across the surface,

Messily running through the lines,

My hand flying across the page

As I write this letter,

This truth I cannot deny,

Written by

Pen on paper.

I Swear I'm Perfectly Normal...

This semester I'm taking creative writing, and right now we're in our poetry unit. This was the last poem I wrote-- Tell me what you think about it! :)

Waves envelop me

As I wade into the water.

Colors, more than one would imagine

Swirl around me as I sink slowly.

Memories flash through my mind,

My first kiss,

My last argument,

Holding my baby sister in my arms.

I feel nothing anymore,

No pain, no joy,

Only emptiness,

As slowly, my world fades to black.

The rain is falling,

Pitter, patter, on the ground.

Dark clouds loom overhead,

The sound of thunder pounds in the distance.

And where am I?

I'm not hiding from this wet monster,

Nor watching it safely from the comfort of my house,

I'm not walking down the street guarded by a black umbrella,

No, I'm outside, barefoot and free,

Twirling around, my face turned towards heaven,

The music of this storm plays on in my head,

As I direct the orchestra of clouds with my hands.

"Are you crazy?!" some might say, as they pass me on the street,

"Perhaps," is my sly reply.

As the drops of water coat my skin,

And the danger of lightning is imminent,

I ponder their words.

Were they right? I don't know,

but I don't care what they think,

They may laugh, they may scorn,

But I am strong, I can make it through,

Because....

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain."

Who Am I?

This past year I've had some struggles with knowing who I am.

I never thought I'd have that kind of problem, yet I did.

I tried to be who YOU wanted me to be, someone who YOU would like.

It doesn't work that way.

I lost myself this year.

I justified what I was doing because of the popularity I was gaining.

People actually noticed my existence! And not just because they needed help on homework.

I finally felt like my opinion mattered to someone-that I mattered to someone.

And I thought you had the same feelings I did, the same beliefs on life.

Then when I found out, I acted like nothing was different-like it didn't bother me that you had changed.

I was changing too, I reasoned.

You either sink or swim in this world, sink or swim.

What I didn't know was that I was sinking.

I don't blame you for dragging me down, you didn't.

It was my pride that did it-my need for social acceptance.

You are who you are, and I know that I can't change that fact.

But then, I said something that shocked me.

Had I really changed that much, that I would agree to something like that?

Who was this person saying these words?!

Where had I gone?

For the next few weeks I hid in the dark corners of my mind.

What had I done?

The guilt was eating me.

I felt so wrong, so empty, so lost.

I don't really think that. That wasn't me.

If that wasn't me, then who am I?

It finally came to me. I am:

Marissa Farmer

Member of the

Church of Jesus

Christ of Latter-

Day Saints.

And I'm proud of it.

p.s. the title of this post makes me think of one of the greatest musicals of all time- Les Miserables, and this song. If you haven't heard the music from this musical, I strongly recommend it! It's a beautiful, powerful story.

Sometimes, when life's a little crazy, all you need is just to sit with your brother in a car at 9:30 at night, playing air guitar (and drums) to Hoobastank.

p.s. to anyone who actually READS my blog, sorry. As I said above, life's been kinda crazy for me. I'll try to make time to blog soon!

Smile...

And see what happens!

The Swings

I see her sitting there, all alone in the park.

The swing she's perched on is gently rocking back and forth. Her head hangs low, her shoulders slumped, and although her back is to me I know that she's been crying.

I know because I've been there. I was once that girl on the swing set, no one to talk to, drowning in my sorrows. I've been there before. We all have.

As I watch her I think to myself, "Does she know? Does she know how beautiful she is?" I wish I could reach out and envelop her with a hug, and tell her that eventually it will be okay.

The struggles at school.

The trouble at home.

The lack of self-worth.

The sadness.

The loneliness.

The pain.

She doesn't have to deal with this forever (no one does).

I can tell what she's thinking, the things she's contemplating that will, in her mind, make it better.

They won't.

"You're beautiful," I whisper into the wind, hoping she might hear me, "Inside and out. You don't have to do this to yourself."

I think of the Savior, and what he did for each of us, how he suffered all of our pains. No matter what we've done, he still loves us. He wants us to return to live with him someday, and to live a good life before then. He wouldn't want that girl to be swinging alone in the park, lost in her pain. He wants us all to be happy.

As these thoughts race through my mind, I hear the creak of rusty swings that have been neglected far too long. I notice that the girl is swinging higher and higher now, her head raised, pumping her legs with vigor.

Why did she suddenly seem more happy?

Then I noticed a stranger swinging in the swing next to her. His entire countenance seemed to be glowing, and from across the park where I stood, I could feel a sense of love coming from him. Impressed in my mind were the words I had read only hours before in seminary,

"In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).

I smiled to myself; everything would be okay.

Signs, part 5 (the last one!)

Signs can tell you a lot. They can tell you what to do at an intersection, how to behave in an area frequented by animals, or cautions for your safety. Signs are seen on the front of buildings, or plastered to a billboard. They can tell you where are, or where you're going. Most importantly, signs can tell a story. These signs tell my story. Some of them are comical, some romantic, some just normal every day signs, but all of them have been a part of my life-my story.

Signs, part 4

Signs, part. 3

Signs, part 2

Signs, part 1

Now what's your story?

Gone Fishin' (to Europe)

Be back soon!