Pen on paper,

The words spill out on the page,

I'm helpless-

Helpless to stop them,

They scream the truth.

Pen on paper,

My thoughts wrestling in my mind,

Each needing to be the one written down,

Although almost all would hurt me,

Or hurt someone else.

Pen on paper,

My life is written out

In three simple words,

Spoken, or unspoken,

I know they're true.

Pen on paper,

I close my fist,

Sweep the pages to the side,

I tell myself that what I've written isn't right,

Maybe it was at one time,

But not anymore.

Things have changed.

But have they really?

Pen on paper,

I must find myself again,

Cling to the thoughts,

Those thoughts which kept me going for so long,

I can't think,

I must write.

Pen on paper,

Scratching across the surface,

Messily running through the lines,

My hand flying across the page

As I write this letter,

This truth I cannot deny,

Written by

Pen on paper.

I Swear I'm Perfectly Normal...

This semester I'm taking creative writing, and right now we're in our poetry unit. This was the last poem I wrote-- Tell me what you think about it! :)

Waves envelop me

As I wade into the water.

Colors, more than one would imagine

Swirl around me as I sink slowly.

Memories flash through my mind,

My first kiss,

My last argument,

Holding my baby sister in my arms.

I feel nothing anymore,

No pain, no joy,

Only emptiness,

As slowly, my world fades to black.

The rain is falling,

Pitter, patter, on the ground.

Dark clouds loom overhead,

The sound of thunder pounds in the distance.

And where am I?

I'm not hiding from this wet monster,

Nor watching it safely from the comfort of my house,

I'm not walking down the street guarded by a black umbrella,

No, I'm outside, barefoot and free,

Twirling around, my face turned towards heaven,

The music of this storm plays on in my head,

As I direct the orchestra of clouds with my hands.

"Are you crazy?!" some might say, as they pass me on the street,

"Perhaps," is my sly reply.

As the drops of water coat my skin,

And the danger of lightning is imminent,

I ponder their words.

Were they right? I don't know,

but I don't care what they think,

They may laugh, they may scorn,

But I am strong, I can make it through,

Because....

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain."

Who Am I?

This past year I've had some struggles with knowing who I am.

I never thought I'd have that kind of problem, yet I did.

I tried to be who YOU wanted me to be, someone who YOU would like.

It doesn't work that way.

I lost myself this year.

I justified what I was doing because of the popularity I was gaining.

People actually noticed my existence! And not just because they needed help on homework.

I finally felt like my opinion mattered to someone-that I mattered to someone.

And I thought you had the same feelings I did, the same beliefs on life.

Then when I found out, I acted like nothing was different-like it didn't bother me that you had changed.

I was changing too, I reasoned.

You either sink or swim in this world, sink or swim.

What I didn't know was that I was sinking.

I don't blame you for dragging me down, you didn't.

It was my pride that did it-my need for social acceptance.

You are who you are, and I know that I can't change that fact.

But then, I said something that shocked me.

Had I really changed that much, that I would agree to something like that?

Who was this person saying these words?!

Where had I gone?

For the next few weeks I hid in the dark corners of my mind.

What had I done?

The guilt was eating me.

I felt so wrong, so empty, so lost.

I don't really think that. That wasn't me.

If that wasn't me, then who am I?

It finally came to me. I am:

Marissa Farmer

Member of the

Church of Jesus

Christ of Latter-

Day Saints.

And I'm proud of it.

p.s. the title of this post makes me think of one of the greatest musicals of all time- Les Miserables, and this song. If you haven't heard the music from this musical, I strongly recommend it! It's a beautiful, powerful story.

Sometimes, when life's a little crazy, all you need is just to sit with your brother in a car at 9:30 at night, playing air guitar (and drums) to Hoobastank.

p.s. to anyone who actually READS my blog, sorry. As I said above, life's been kinda crazy for me. I'll try to make time to blog soon!

Smile...

And see what happens!

The Swings

I see her sitting there, all alone in the park.

The swing she's perched on is gently rocking back and forth. Her head hangs low, her shoulders slumped, and although her back is to me I know that she's been crying.

I know because I've been there. I was once that girl on the swing set, no one to talk to, drowning in my sorrows. I've been there before. We all have.

As I watch her I think to myself, "Does she know? Does she know how beautiful she is?" I wish I could reach out and envelop her with a hug, and tell her that eventually it will be okay.

The struggles at school.

The trouble at home.

The lack of self-worth.

The sadness.

The loneliness.

The pain.

She doesn't have to deal with this forever (no one does).

I can tell what she's thinking, the things she's contemplating that will, in her mind, make it better.

They won't.

"You're beautiful," I whisper into the wind, hoping she might hear me, "Inside and out. You don't have to do this to yourself."

I think of the Savior, and what he did for each of us, how he suffered all of our pains. No matter what we've done, he still loves us. He wants us to return to live with him someday, and to live a good life before then. He wouldn't want that girl to be swinging alone in the park, lost in her pain. He wants us all to be happy.

As these thoughts race through my mind, I hear the creak of rusty swings that have been neglected far too long. I notice that the girl is swinging higher and higher now, her head raised, pumping her legs with vigor.

Why did she suddenly seem more happy?

Then I noticed a stranger swinging in the swing next to her. His entire countenance seemed to be glowing, and from across the park where I stood, I could feel a sense of love coming from him. Impressed in my mind were the words I had read only hours before in seminary,

"In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).

I smiled to myself; everything would be okay.